Do you have any idea what he’s selling?

I received this direct response solicitation today via e-mail. Other than my comments (in red), I swear to God, I did not alter a thing. Truth is funnier and sadder than fiction. I checked. This is a real business in Des Moines.

I have changed the names to protect the guilty. But, this is why we all have jobs. People actually send this garbage out.

Mr. McLelland, (Not how my name is spelled)

My name is Name Here and I (am?) the new Principal (is it a school?) at Vague Name Here. Vague Name Here is a company with over 20 years or (of?) serving the region. We recently have taken a new direction and with the new year are re-introducing ourselves to our communities. I want the name Vague Name Here to be synonymous in your mind with quality service. More than synonymous–I want them to be one and the same. In fact, when you think "quality," "reliability," "versatility," or "power," I want you to think Vague Name Here. (How aboutâ¦telling me what the heck you do??)

We are a leader. We work with leaders. And our history of innovation and support to keep you ahead of the curve. (Is this a sentence that makes sense to anyone?) Our experience in the management, finanical, (Is that a spelling error from the company who wants to be synonymous with quality?) technology and other fields proves (prove not proves?) this and our unique approach to helping your business succeed through our management seminars and strategy sessions is always a way to start the new year to help focus your staff on their goals and directions in the new year. (The longest sentence known to man. And I have no idea what he was trying to say.)

It is my pleasure to introduce the new Vague Name Here Management. It’s focused on the customer, listening to his or her issues and challenges, and finally meeting those challenges with products, services, and resources unmatched in quality and functionality.

Vague Name Here is better than ever.

With resources in four states we can cover you as you expand through the country.

With a unique insight into technology and business we can help you better utilize you (your?) technology within your business increase (perhaps to increase?) productivity, and revenues while decreasing your cost structure.

With our relationship with many financial (look, he spells it right here!) institutions we can assist you in keepin (is that folksy for keeping?) a sustainable capitable (seriouslyâ¦this is how he spelled capital?) base allowing your company to grow and prosper.

With our management and marketing resources we can assist you in delivering performace (some of us actually spell it performance?) to your business accelerating growth and reaching height (heights?) previously thought to be unattainable.

And that’s just the beginning. Take a moment to discover the new Vague Name Here. And then visit our new website to see how we’ve changed. I will be calling in a few days to schedule a time I can stop by your office and discuss with you ways we can assist you as you successfully run your business. We are committed to your satisfaction and welcome your feedback. We’ll do all we can to make your experience with us positive.

As always, thank you for choosing Vague Name Here.

Name Here
Principal
Vague Name Here Management Inc.
www.vaguename.com

That is not sad, it is pathetic. I still have no idea what they sell. The author should have checked out Grammar Girl’s post on proofreading tips!

Any suggestions on what I should say if/when he calls?